The most infernal question of all time is “Why?” That’s my opinion anyway. It seems it’s the first question learned as a child. “Why mommy? Why?” Why is the sky blue? Why can’t I eat birthday cake for breakfast? Why do I have to go to bed right now? “WHY???”
As we get a bit older the question changes in tone and intensity….. “WHY can’t I have the car tonight, you’re not using it?” Why do I have to be home by 10? Why can’t I wear this (insert inappropriate article of clothing here) to school? Why can’t I go to that party with my friends? “WHY????”
Somewhere along the line life starts to get a bit more complicated and questions start to become more like “Why can’t I seem to get that promotion I deserve?” Why doesn’t she think I’m worth having a “real” relationship with? Why is my manager an asshat all the time? Why is there never enough pay cheque left at the end of the month? “WHY???”
Inevitably life gets real at some point. A moment comes where all things that make logical sense are ripped away from you. Your world is upside down. You feel like you are underwater, trying to breathe but…… At that moment? The question may just be a barely audible breath, snatched away by the wind before it could even become a sound…. Other times?? It becomes a howling scream at the moon….. For those who believe in a higher power it often becomes “WHY GOD!!!! WHY????”
It seems the question fits every scenario from “breakfast cake” to the loss of the most significant influences in our lives. It’s almost as though it is the universal question. From the most mundane aspect of our lives to the most deep and intense moments which you would not want to be forced to relive “why?” fits. It’s the “go to” question. To prove the point….. in my personal “fantasy” life I have a mental image of my mother with her hand in the bottom of a family sized bag of ruffles chips, grease and crumbs clinging to her lower lip just asking “Why? What did I ever do Lord? Why does he have to be gay?” But of course that’s a whole other scenario and I digress……
Today I’m starring at my lunch bag. Wanting to eat everything in it for breakfast, then move on to coke and chocolate bars for the rest of the day, like I used to when I was 23. I know that my yogourt and fruit, my hard boiled eggs, my portions of berries and low fat deli meat are all very great ways for me to nourish my body AND loose weight at the same time. I have visions of grilled steaks dancing in my head, not sugar plums…. no….GIVE ME RED MEAT!!! I crave hollandaise, bacon, fried eggs sunny side up, pate, terrine, CHEESE!!! I’m pining for all of the things that I can now only have in “portion controlled sizes” and struggling with the “why do I have to keep track of all of this? question. Why can’t I be like my friends who can eat whatever they want and never gain a pound? Why does this have to be so hard sometimes?
Lately I have had to come to grips with the concept that the world isn’t fair. I’m not rich, and my employer DOESN’T keep me on staff because of my good looks (I actually have to continually PROVE my worth….. imagine that!). I guess what I’m trying to say is that I now have to WORK to manage this whole part of me, unlike any time prior in my life. Asking why doesn’t change that. There is no great life altering epiphany what will unlock the secrets of weight control. Whatever has happened earlier in my life to “make me this way” will not simply go away if I get an answer to the great “WHY?” question.
I mean, in truth, “Why do I have to work so hard to make this happen?” really isn’t the important question anyway now is it? I don’t know about anyone else, but I will tell an ugly truth right now. Why? wasn’t the question I needed to ask. BUT…… “HOW?” Now THAT would have been a more useful question. How did I manage to let myself go? How did I stop caring about the shape I was in? How DIDN’T I know that mayonnaise was 90 calories a tablespoon? How did THAT MUCH butter end up on my roll? (it’s 105 cal per table spoon after all!!!). How come I didn’t do this sooner? How am I going to get through thanksgiving? How am I going to resist the urge to eat more than I should? How? How? HOW? That’s the real question. How do I want to look? How do I want to feel? How do I want to live?
I guess when all is said and done, why ask “why?” when you can ask HOW? The world is a cruel cruel place and when I compare all of my “Whys?” to those of the people who struggle each day just to eek out a meagre attempt at survival, or the “Why God Why?” of someone who has lost their life partner of 70 years, my why is just the most self indulgent, narcissistic, and useless question I can ask. But, asking “HOW?” might just be the way out of a place I no longer want to be in…….
Thanks for reading!