Have you ever noticed that the world can look a bit weird at 06:20 on an August morning? I don’t quite know how to explain it. It’s kind of a “bright dullness” or is it a “dull brightness”? It’s like someone took the air and photoshopped it in an odd way. Maybe pumped up the contrast a little too much, Underexposed the shot, then pushed the highlights to the limit, while lightening the shadows. I guess what I’m trying to say is that
at a certain point in the morning the lighting gets beautifully weird, and you just might not be able to clearly determine what the day will hold.
That’s what’s happening to me today. After rising from my bed before 5am, going through my usual morning routine (i.e. running through the shower and barely even getting wet before jumping in my car and driving into the city) and arriving in downtown Toronto (ahead of schedule for some reason today), I began to notice the glow on the buildings as I exited the parking garage. It had a somewhat “otherworldly” quality. In the sense that it made me wonder if I needed to grab my umbrella from my car or if in fact it was going to be a beautiful sunny day. That’s the thing about this certain light…. you don’t know what you’re going to get. It is simultaneously beautiful and repulsive. and somewhere in the tension of that moment, I realized that I had made it all the way into the city without my wallet…. Oh, yeah…. and I had burned the last of the gas in my tank driving to work and would need to refill it for the drive home. Thankfully I had my phone with me, so the problem should be fixable…. probably an email transfer of funds arranged from my banking app to a kind friend and co-worker who might be able to pull some cash from their account via the shiny metal box we call an ATM downstairs? Problem solved!!! Yay!! No need to worry. The day can go on as planned!! )(this was my thought process as I left my car in the safety of the parking garage and headed toward the hospital).
Oh, yeah. Morning tea. Mmmmm…. my phone app had been acting up, and I didn’t actually have cash in hand (yet… but I had a plan right? Too bad you can’t DRINK a plan!). So, time to try and be “cute” step up to the kiosk and order my usual Timmies (medium steeped tea 2 milk 2 sugar), hold up my phone to the scanner to make use of my Timmies card (that up until yesterday was refusing to reload) hold my breath waiting for it to be rejected and then have to “negotiate” a solution in real time….. SAVED BY THE BEEP!!! It worked. I have been saved!!!
Tea in hand, with my day improving, I took the elevator to the 8th floor ready to start my day, face the steady stream of patients who I will have to endure my sunny disposition. As I walk into my unit I notice one co-worker getting ready for her morning. Then I notice a second, and I become confused. As I stand there with a look of confusion spreading across my face like a popsicle melting into the asphalt on a hot summer afternoon, a kind co-worker decides to raise an eyebrow and ask why I have arrived so early. “Well because my shift starts at 06:30” I reply obviously. Until I see the assignment board. And with that I have this sinking feeling. The floor beneath me begins to change state, and I feel my shoes starting to meld with the linoleum. My feet and ankles are not far behind…. sinking into the floor, just as my hope for a decent day at work begins sinking from view. How is it possible that this has happened? My calendar clearly indicated that I was working from 06:30-18:30. I RELIGIOUSLY maintain that calendar. This MUST be wrong.
After a search of the unit to find that elusive schedule book it became very clear. There HAD been a switch. I WAS aware of it. I just had not made changes in my phone. And with that, all fears were confirmed. Today would not be the happy go lucky, pleasant day I had expected. Today would be the day when nothing would go to plan. A day when despite all efforts humanly possible, control would not be something I could achieve. Just as I had no control of the light of the morning, washing over the buildings of the city, I would have no control of this day. I would I could only set myself adrift in the tide of August 27 and see where it took me.
Funny how the first place the waves pushed me was here…. to the blog. Let me say it is good to be back. I have missed this part of my routine, the frantic efforts to squeeze some time from my busy days to put analog thoughts into a digital format and share them with you all. I hope that this post has been as interesting for you as it was cathartic for me. I know it’s not the “usual” type of thing I post on here (if there is such a thing as “usual” in my life ever….). Let’s just say that I hope you can all set adrift on your Thursday as well, and enjoy what the day brings, maybe relax into the chaos for just a little while, try and let the stresses wash over you and be gone rather than trying to shape the day to your expectations.
Appreciate the morning light for what it is, not what you expect it to be……
Thanks for reading…..