An Asshat’s Apology (I’ve Seen The Light)

Sunrise landscape render retouches

Ok right off the top I’m going to say it.  I’ve been an asshat inconsiderate.  I’ve only come to realize just HOW inconsiderate today.

What’s sparked this wonderful piece of self reflection might you ask?  Lunch.  Simple as that.  I went out for lunch.  Now I’m an asshat inconsiderate.

Ok lets just get to the point i guess.  For years I have worked in a female dominated profession.  For years I have watched you struggle, trying to manage a busy shift with lack of time for breaks.  Watched as you sipped lemon water from your water bottle. (and I drank coke…  no not diet….  and 5-6 bottles a shift!)  I watched as you tried to eat that salad in the break room during that 15 minutes you got for lunch that day, as I munched on my third Mars bar and thought rabbit food my how healthy!  I made loud assertions that “I could never eat like that!!” while you ate your small grilled chicken breast for lunch and I ate yet another burger from the cafeteria loaded with double bacon and double cheese.

The funny thing?  Never once did you treat me badly.  You never lectured me.  You waited.  And watched, as my formerly 145 pound frame expanded over 5-7 years, until at the end of 2014 I weighed in at 203 pounds, and truly looked pregnant.  While I had not allowed myself to admit it, I was unhappy with the situation.  I may have rubbed my belly like a Budha, and learned to make my stomach kick “like one of the twins was active,” but, not once did you call me on my BS.  You still laughed at my jokes, helped me with that patient lift when it as needed, and even ran interference for me when a patient’s  difficult family member would not get out of my hair.  How did I reward you???  By being an ASSHAT!!!  That’s how!!!  And now I’m ready to be a man and admit it. And apologize.  And mean it.

You can thank Nando’s Chicken for my apology.  Seriously  Nando’s.  It actually really pisses that I’m even giving them the acknowledgement of typing their company name on my blog right now.  (To be CLEAR…..  I am NOT being reimbursed in any way for mentioning Nando’s and after this blog they may not be too happy with me so I don’t think it will be happening in the future either!).  So what happened?  I went to lunch with a friend and tried to order something calorie conscious from the menu.  That was not fun.  Finally I settled on what seemed to be the best option to fill my stomach without breaking my calorie “budget” and ordered the chicken caesar.  Veggies (check) protein (check) tasty (check) full lunch in a bowl.  My tracking app told me that it would not be a small calorie meal…  542 calories to be exact….  (for perspective, most people of the female persuasion, according to my app, will only be allotted aprox 1200 calories a day while trying to loose weight.  That would be HALF your daily allotment!!! HALF!!!!) but I was sure, given the calories AND the price ($13.89 for the salad and a water) that it would have to be filling right????  Are you ready for it???  Here’s the picture….


See the fork??  that’s NOT a giant fork…. it’s a very regular salad fork.  as a matter of fact when that fork takes a shower after gym class I think he feels INADEQUATE in front of the other forks, that’s  how NOT BIG he is!!!  After having my nibble I mean MEAL served to me I just sat and stared.  I actually contemplated eating the table leg for the fiber (i mean it’s filling right?  AND low calorie).  As I took in the view, my friend said “let me order you something else, that’s not going to be enough for lunch!”  As i heard my voice protest that I was fine I looked across the table at his quarter chicken dinner with salad and I had a moment.  Probably that moment you had, time and time again over the decade you’ve known me.  Where I was loudly declaring my inability to “ever eat vegetarian” while you ate your salad and I inhaled my deep fried chicken fingers yet one more time.  I think you probably know how badly I hated that moment.  Detested that moment.  Instead of BEING the food bully, I was the one having my lunch money taken.  AND I WAS HUNGRY!!!

After weeks of “calorie counting” this is NOT a diet!!!  I ALMOST gave in.  I almost ruined what I’ve worked weeks to accomplish.  I’m no longer 203 pounds.  I’m 189.  I hadn’t really had I’m Lying too much trouble with the change.  But in that moment I actually understood what every woman on earth (and every man, gay or otherwise, who works to stay slim for that matter) knows.  IT AIN’T EASY!!!

I came to the party late.  I’m just figuring out what you’ve known for years. (yes I’m a slow learner….  I didn’t even admit to being gay till I was in my thirties for heaven’s sake!).  And for that, and many other things I am truly sorry.

With sincerest regret


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4 Responses to An Asshat’s Apology (I’ve Seen The Light)

  1. Angel says:

    I still love you Duane and no it’s not easy especially when we get a little older. Do you remember all those high calorie lunches I use to have at school if clinical?


  2. margo says:

    we are all proud of you D…. and yes we wanted to kill you back then, but we figured that sooner or later you too would learn that you can’t always eat what you want…


    • Duane & Todd says:

      🐴🎼🎵🎶🎹🎼 you can’t always eat what you want🎶🎵🎻🎹🎶🎺🎷🎵🎼 but if you try sometimes 🎶🎵🎼🎹🎤🎶🎵 you can eat what you need!!! 🎶🎹🎼🎵🎧🎷🎺🎧🎼🎧


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